where I occasionally share about inspiration, songwriting, screenwriting and my faith journey…
After pouring some stiff java and rocking a few yoga poses out here on the deck, I settled into my Adirondack for some morning pages. Johnny Boy ambled about in his normal happy morning stupor, Suzy Q is off her nest for morning chores, and something pulled me to snoop about in My Documents. Not even sure what I was looking for now. Doesn’t matter — what I found sparked my day.
Let me back up a sec…
A confluence of recent happenings — “recent” being a relative term, as I could back up several months if need be — and a wealth of heart-to-heart chats about this wonderful mid-life so many of us have found ourselves in — they’ve all collided and conspired and coerced in me. They’ve formed a yearning. A yearning that’s one part vanity, two parts pride, probably more like three parts necessity, and a combined, oh, four-to-five parts adventurous spirit meets wanderlust meets redemption.
These facets, these forces, these feelings — they have melded somehow … or, should I say, they are in the process of such: of breaking me down, shredding me apart, defeating my resistance, taking inventory, assessing my pieces and parts, forging a new mold and shaping me into whatever the Next Gen of me looks/feels/behaves/lives/loves/plays like. And setting fire inside me for some sort of quest.
It’s curious how things mount. How they pile up until you can no longer ignore them. How a single feeling or event, on its own, carries little weight. But: allow them to gather themselves into a small but mighty army and you can’t not see them.
I don’t remember everything, every facet. How could I? But I recognize a few….
Having a cry before a dressing room mirror.
Not advancing — yet again — in a competition.
Having a few of your body parts dubbed with understandable yet incriminating monikers like “hammock” and “flat tires”.
Realizing — also yet again — when someone continues to put more onus on your past than on your future.
Sharing newfound joys and noticing eye-rolls from someone important to you.
Being deemed not ____________ enough (various answers apply).
Faltering on a goal you put into place long ago enough you could’ve reached it.
Feeling yourself “schooled” at church about more things than you care to admit.
It adds up!
To be fair, life’s scales aren’t always signaling what you lack or what you didn’t do, or where you come up short. They also provide insane amounts of positivity!
Every single day, whether we pay attention and realize it or not, we are surrounded by love and encouragement and adoration and care. Opportunities for joy, bliss, adventure and accomplishment are …. well, they’re right there.
Well within our grasp!
Oh, sure — we need to get out of our own way to reach them. Out of our own head. Silence the critics, wherever they roam and whatever they spew. They got nothin’ — and I mean nothin’ — on the truest of the true, the closest of the close, the most genuine and the least judgmental of those who offer unconditional love and acceptance.
Starting with ourselves, dammit!
I’ve had crazy-meaningful Skype and telephone and email chats with some amazing women over the past however many months. They’ve helped me reassess and reassign some “less than” feelings into “fuel”. They’ve looked at the chinks in my armor which have been causing me grief and just laughed. Not meanly, mind you — but in a way that helps me understand those little dents don’t mean shit in the grand scheme of things. They’ve helped me “let go” of ill will. Oh, I admit: this is a process!! I’m not aces at it, but I’m trying. I slip backwards — as we all do — into animosity and that snarky “fuck you” attitude every once in a while. All fuel for the fire, I suppose…
Anyway, back to this morning.
So I guess I was led to My Documents by a power much wiser, mightier and insightful than I. A power understanding my fire requires stoking. And I need reminding. And my quest needs cheerleading. And my confidence needs bolstering. This morning I was led to something I wrote nearly three years ago now.
Inspired by Athleta’s Chi blog, I’d scribbled something. And then life got in my way — or, rather, I got in the way of my life. However you slice it, this got tucked away and forgotten. Only to be found again. Today. I guess so that I can share with you…
Today’s post is dedicated to my go-to, life-long girls — Lynny, Debra, Annie and Kristin — four amazing women whose own fires and quests and hearts inspire me to no end…